Thursday, December 8, 2011


Dear Cheapskate,

Penelope emailed me again from her house on Cape Cod:

"Dear Mildred, [Should I tell her my name's not Mildred? She's 111 years old. Should I let it go?-cs]

I got your email and your complaints about the weather. First of all, do you think that because I'm old I want to discuss such an inane topic as the  weather? Boring!! Your whining about 45 degree weather is ridiculous. If it were 45 degrees here I'd be so warm and happy. I'd be running over the dunes in my bare feet, laughing, if it were a balmy 45 degrees. It's not 45 degree here on Cape Cod. It's so cold here on Cape Cod that even the whales are shivering. And they're covered with a warm layer of blubber! BLUBBER!!
Speaking of blubber, I've noticed some of the youngsters, like "Bobcat" Jenkins, who's only 85 years old, and his niece, "Frostbit" (she only has four toes but that's another story involving a stowaway situation back in 1963) Jenkins, are what you wussies call "plus-sized" and what I call F-A-T fat. I call a whale a whale and I call fat, fat. Call it like it is, I say. Face the truth. If you're fat, you're fat. You're not "svelte-challenged", you're FAT.
I have an extremely simple, cheap, way to lose weight.  Here it is:
Don't eat!
Just don't eat, you pig. (I don't mean you personally, Mildred. I know you can still fit into the woolen skivvies you wore rowing across Pawtucket Lake when you raced with the P-Town crew team in high school. You always were such a pretty one!) [Wow! Thanks, Penelope! Now I'm sure she has me mixed up with someone else.-cs]
Bobcat and Frostbit and the other members of the Blubber Club (Ha! I made that up, about the Blubber Club!! hahahaha!) are always spending money on prepared "diet" meals and going to meetings and paying money for "diet" pills. But guess what. They're still fat! And poorer from spending all that money. 
Just don't eat.
It saves time: No going to the grocery store, no cooking, no sitting at the table eating, no cleaning the dishes, no going to meetings.
It saves money: No buying anything. No buying food except maybe some carrots or celery.
Another thing you could do is get a tapeworm to live inside your gut. People these days are so uptight about parasites. Bodies are already full of parasites anyway so why not get a useful one that you invited? [I have to say that I officially don't recommend this. Not my idea.-cs]
It's so cheap and easy to be thin. Leave the blubber on the whales.
I hope this was helpful. I'm happy to share my wisdom.


P.S. Are you going to come and visit?"

Thanks again, Penelope!!

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