Tuesday, September 14, 2010

How To Pay For College: 5 Tips

Dear Cheapskate,


Did I scare you?

Imagine you're stranded in a disabled U-boat, a mile beneath the ocean's surface, running out of food and oxygen, you're sweating, listening helplessly as the pinging sound from the enemy battleship above gets closer and closer... The terror!*

Cheapskate, if you're sending Little Johnny to college you know the terror.

"How will I pay for it?"
"I'd rather die than go into debt."
"Maybe the kid can join the Army instead."
"Why did I have kids, again?"

Cheapskate, fear not. Up periscope! Launch torpedoes! Prepare to surface! College can be cheap!!


1) Have Johnny attend the local community college for the first two years. Here in foggy California community college is a bargain. It's only a few hundred bucks rather than forty thousand smackers! Johnny lives at home for free and saves a bundle on dorm fees, too!

Ok, let's be honest. Johnny can't stand living at home and would rather live in a sewer pipe than live with mom for one more minute.

Mom was kind of looking forward to having the whole house to herself! Shhh. Do NOT tell Johnny!!!!!!!

Luckily, both  Johnny and mom are motivated to tolerate each other by their infinte cheapness. Mom tells Johnny his room will always be his (though she can't wait to make it into her study or rent it out!) and Johnny refrains from scowling at mom too much.

2) Apply for financial aid. The lower your income the better.

3) Johnny has a part time job during the school year. Not only does he save up money for the final two years of college away from home, but you have the house to yourself more because Johnny's off working at the Stop 'n Spend!

4) Do NOT take out a loan!

5) Send Johnny to the cheapest college you can find.

Cheapakate, how do you save money on college?? Do tell!!

*I so totally know about submarines. Look, there's me with the other 4-year-olds in a submarine! I was part of a little known experiment during the cold war. A band of highly trained 4-year-olds were sent on a secret submarine mission in the Baltic Sea! We're clutching the torpedoes! Dive! Dive!

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