Friday, May 21, 2010

For What Ails You

Dear Cheapskate,

Once in a while, I ail. I ail and when I ail I'll do anything to make it stop. If I'm not prepared for an ailment before it strikes, I could, in a fit of misery, do the unthinkable: spend money!  On September 26th, 2009 I spent money on a pepto bismol-like substance that wasn't even on sale! Cheapskate, I hope that nothing ails you and that you feel healthy and happy.

But just in case, be sure to have the following in your medicine cabinet:

Petrolium Jelly
Baking Soda
Corn Starch
Hydrogen peroxide
Super Glue
Duct Tape

No need for pricey anti-fungals, anti-histamines, or anti-aliasing. Over the many, many, years of my very long life I have gleaned the following home remedies and old wives tales:

Ithcy Feet a.k.a. Athlete's Foot
Soak your feet in salt water and/or rub them with hydrogen peroxide.

Bee Sting
Plop a paste of baking soda and water onto the bee sting.

Poison Oak (I hope I never get this again, ever)
Immediately wash skin with soap. Plop a paste of baking soda and water, or cornstarch and water, onto the rash.

Put petrolium jelly up your butt.

Diaper Rash
Put corn starch on your butt.

Runny Nose
Don't eat milk products.
Boil water and breathe the steam.

Chapped Lips
Put petrolium jelly on your lips.

Drink a little baking soda mixed with water.

Eat soda crackers a.k.a. saltines. Drink gingerale. Don't eat fruits or vegetables.

Superglue your skin together.

Sore Throat
Gargle with salt water.

Eat a spoonful of lemon juice and honey.

Burns (minor)
Immediately run cold water over the burn.

Morning Sickness
Eat soda crackers or carrots.

Put duct tape on your wart.

Just snap out of it! (This actually works sometimes, bion.)

Eat raw fruit. Eat prunes.

Do you know some other home remedies? Do they work? Please comment!


  1. some of that is pretty gross, dude...
    Jack London had the idea that if there was smallpox around you could just constantly drink whiskey and the smallpox wouldn't be able to survive in your blood as long as its alcohol level stayed high enough. Even if it doesn't work at least you won't mind so much once you do get the smallpox.

  2. Rice works for diarrhea.
    Garlic works as a cure all for everything.
    Milk works wonders for heartburn.


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