Save Money You Cheapskate

Blubber

2011-12-08T21:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Penelope emailed me again from her house on Cape Cod:

"Dear Mildred, [Should I tell her my name's not Mildred? She's 111 years old. Should I let it go?-cs]

I got your email and your complaints about the weather. First of all, do you think that because I'm old I want to discuss such an inane topic as the weather? Boring!! Your whining about 45 degree weather is ridiculous. If it were 45 degrees here I'd be so warm and happy. I'd be running over the dunes in my bare feet, laughing, if it were a balmy 45 degrees. It's not 45 degree here on Cape Cod. It's so cold here on Cape Cod that even the whales are shivering. And they're covered with a warm layer of blubber! BLUBBER!!
Speaking of blubber, I've noticed some of the youngsters, like "Bobcat" Jenkins, who's only 85 years old, and his niece, "Frostbit" (she only has four toes but that's another story involving a stowaway situation back in 1963) Jenkins, are what you wussies call "plus-sized" and what I call F-A-T fat. I call a whale a whale and I call fat, fat. Call it like it is, I say. Face the truth. If you're fat, you're fat. You're not "svelte-challenged", you're FAT.
I have an extremely simple, cheap, way to lose weight. Here it is:
Don't eat!
Just don't eat, you pig. (I don't mean you personally, Mildred. I know you can still fit into the woolen skivvies you wore rowing across Pawtucket Lake when you raced with the P-Town crew team in high school. You always were such a pretty one!) [Wow! Thanks, Penelope! Now I'm sure she has me mixed up with someone else.-cs]
Bobcat and Frostbit and the other members of the Blubber Club (Ha! I made that up, about the Blubber Club!! hahahaha!) are always spending money on prepared "diet" meals and going to meetings and paying money for "diet" pills. But guess what. They're still fat! And poorer from spending all that money.
Just don't eat.
It saves time: No going to the grocery store, no cooking, no sitting at the table eating, no cleaning the dishes, no going to meetings.
It saves money: No buying anything. No buying food except maybe some carrots or celery.
Another thing you could do is get a tapeworm to live inside your gut. People these days are so uptight about parasites. Bodies are already full of parasites anyway so why not get a useful one that you invited? [I have to say that I officially don't recommend this. Not my idea.-cs]
It's so cheap and easy to be thin. Leave the blubber on the whales.
I hope this was helpful. I'm happy to share my wisdom.

Love,
Penelope

P.S. Are you going to come and visit?"

Thanks again, Penelope!!

Sock It To Me, Baby

2011-09-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

You get to meet Penelope!!! Penelope has been frugal her whole life and she's been alive since 1900 so she's had many years of cheapskatery. And, yes, she's almost 111 years old. She'll be 111 on 11/11/11. I know you think I'm making this up but I'm not. I would never make up something so phony. I'd say she was 86 and was born on some random date in May to make it sound believable. Everything I tell you about Penelope is true. I suspect that Penelope herself is not an entirely truthful person however, as some of the things she says are too amazing! She emailed me the following from her house on Cape Cod (Yes, she was born before the Model T was invented yet she uses email!!):

"Dear Mildred, [She calls me "Mildred" for some reason.]

Young people don't know how to mend things. Why, when I twenty years old [ She was 20 in 1920!] I danced the Shimmy to the song "Shim-Me-Sha-Ha". Have you heard it? Look it up on YouTube. Ah, those were the days... drinking champagne and dancing all night, going home with a different boy every Saturday, watching them fight over you. Nowadays they call the cops if you so much as punch someone in the gut, but then, oh, then, the fights over us girls! Wonderful!! Wonderful fights! Broken noses everywhere.

Anyway, when I was twenty, just a few years before everyone from the shoeshine boy to the milkman became a millionaire in the stock market...That reminds me. There are so many uses for shoe polish!! I'll tell you some day! Anyway, before then, when everyone was still poor, a girl had to re-use and re-purpose her dancing dresses and especially her stockings. This involved a lot of mending and sewing.

Here's a tip: draw a line up the back of your leg or draw a fishnet pattern all over you legs if you can't afford stockings. It looks like you're wearing stockings! But it's just drawn on!!! Don't use a wax pencil and then go dancing. Trust me. Messy! Very messy. Yuck.

Young people these days. I swear. Your toe pops out of your sock and what do you do? You throw it out! [Penelope must mean that young people throw out their socks, not that they throw out their toes.] You just go buy a new one. Nonsense!

Here's how to darn your darn sock. Hhahahahahahahahaha! Get it?

1) Get an old light bulb. Not one of these new-fangled twirly compacted ones, but a nornal light bulb.

2) Stick a sock in it! Hahahahahahahah! Actually, stick the light bulb in the sock.

3) Get a needle and thread and sew up the hole in the sock using the light bulb as a form.

So easy! Even you whippersnappers with your prissy unscathed knuckles can do it. "

Wow. Thanks, Penelope! I hope you'll email me about all the great uses for shoe polish. I can't wait!

Cheapskate, do you mend things or do you just throw them out and buy new ones?

101 Uses For A Brick

2011-01-11T21:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Whoops! Did I say one hundred and one uses for a brick? I meant to say one. One use for a brick. I can tell you of one way to use a brick. Not one hundred and one ways to use a brick. I must have been thinking of college, you know, where "Econ 101" or "Math 101" really means "Econ 1" or "Math 1". One. Only one. One way to use a brick.

It's been cold here in California. Relatively cold, anyway. Hovering around 44 degrees inside my house and colder outside. Stop laughing! I know it's, like, minus 40 degrees in Montana with a blizzard and two feet of ice on the road, and that your spit freezes solid before it hits the ground. You'd be waltzing around in your bikini if only you were lucky enough to have a balmy 44 degree day. Still, for us wimps, a 44 degree temperature in the house, day after day, is wearing, even if our spit is still wet when it hits the ground. (And we spit on the ground all the time!)

Cheapskate, I know what you're thinking. But what about the the cat? Forget the spit. What about the poor stray cat named Thompson who lives outdoors? Is he shivering in the cold and rain? Is he wet and bedraggled, hunkered down under the neighbor's barbeque, his ears hung in sorrow, questioning the meaning of life and miserably waiting for Spring?
Cheapskate, I'm way ahead of you. First, I made a little house for Thompson (yes, a "cat house") out of a bookshelf and a tarp. Then I added a heating pad, which plugged into an extension cord, which ran across the wet porch exposed to the elements and to hungry, gnawing possums, then crimped under the door, and finally plugged into an outlet in the kitchen.

Because of the whole pesky electrocution/fire hazard problem I needed a non-electric warming system.
The sock filled with microwaved rice didn't work.
The thing at the pet store cost forty bucks so I didn't buy it.
The cat didn't like the emergency foil disaster blanket. (I thought cats liked crinkly things?)
Then I remembered the soapstones. Growing up in Connecticut where it really does get C-O-L-D, even colder than in California, mom would heat up a soapstone for each person. We'd wrap the hot stone in a cloth and put it between our icy cold bedsheets to keep our toes warm all night.
I didn't have a soapstone to heat up for Thompson but I had a brick! Turns out a brick doesn't have nearly the specific heat capacity of soapstone but so what???

Instructions
1) Clean off a brick.
2) Put it in the oven while you're baking a casserole. (It's cheaper to share the use of the oven than to heat it up for the casseole then again for the bricks. And who doesn't want a casserole imbued with a brick flavor?)
3) Wrap the brick in a clean rag.
4) Place it somewhere you need heat, like in the cat house or at the foot of your bed.
5) Don't be a retard and burn yourself or your clothes, your house, your pet...

Wait, I think I can come up with 101 uses for a brick! Yes, I'm sure I can!

1. Heat storage device.
2. Part of a garden path.
3. Tie a threatening note to it and throw it through a window.
4. Tie a love letter to it and throw it through a window.
5. Tie a gift to it, (maybe a nice tie?) and throw it through a window.
6. Take the love letters you have received, tie them to the brick, and sink them in the Bay.
7. Put it in a puddle. Step on the brick to avoid stepping in the puddle.
8. Scrub away your calluses.
9. Use instead of sand paper to remove paint.
10. Do you wake up at night to find that your goose down comforter has fallen off the bed? Tie a brick to each end of the comforter to hold it in place.
11. Use it to smush slugs.
12. Carry one in each hand while you go for a walk to beef up your arms.
13. Lift and repeat to beef up your arms.
14. Use the corner like a piece of chalk to draw artwork on the sidewalk.
15. Use the corner like a piece of chalk to draw arrows on the sidewalk so you will remember your way home. (Hansel and Gretel should have done this instead of the bread crumbs thing.)
16. Throw it at pigeons to knock one down for dinner.
17. Sit on one when driving if you need a boost.
18. Pretend to talk on it like a cell phone. Say, in a snooty voice, "What, you're still using an iPhone? That old thing?"
19. Scrape off some to make a red powder and apply it to your face as rouge.
20. Add water to the powder and use as ink to write tragic poems on the dungeon wall.
21. Put it on the top of your head and walk without it falling off. This will improve your posture.
22. Use it to break open walnuts.
23. Use it as a hammer when you can't find your hammer.
24. Put it on end and lean it against the house. Stand on the end - you may have enough of a boost to be able to see into the window. (I did this yesterday. Why? you ask. Why??????)
24. Use it to press down the pie crust dough when you can't find the rolling pin.
25. Dip it in paint and press to the walls for a decorative (custom!) paint effect.
26. Put it in the toilet tank to displace water and cut down on the volume of water used per flush.
27. Put a couple in the refrigerator to displace air and to work as a thermal mass to reduce power usage.
28. Use it to prop up the couch where that leg broke when you were moving that time.
29. Plug up the hole in the floor that goes straight to the basement.
30. Dangle one from a thin string over the front door. Act like you don't notice it and make people linger underneath it as you chat unconcernedly. Watch them nervously back away from your house.
31. Start an "all-brick" band! Two bricks bang together to form cymbals, bricks of different sizes make a xylopohne, bricks scraped against each other make that "washboard" sound, etc.
32. Drill a hole through a brick and blow to make a flute-like, or didgeridoo-like sound. (Then join the band in #31.)
33. Cover up mouse holes in the baseboard.
34. Press flowers between the pages of a book and set the brick on top to increase the pressure.
35. Stand on the roof and throw them down at bad guys, like my neighbor - she knows who she is.
36. Place one on the loose roof shingle to keep it from blowing away.
37. Bang one on a piece of a metal downspout to make music. Join the band in #31.
38. Smear brick with a paste of flour and water and bake to make a square tortilla. Save energy and combine baking with #1. Declare them "Brick Baked Torillas" and sell at a fancy store for big bucks.
39. Place spoonfuls of cookie dough on the brick and use as a mini cookie sheet.
40. Tie a piece of rope to the brick and throw it over a wall you wish to scale. Grab onto the rope. The weight of the brick on the other side will help to hoist you over the wall.
41. Loudly clap two bricks together to scare away bears.
42. Strap a brick to the bottom of each foot for use as shoes when you have to walk across a bed of hot coals.
43. Strap a brick to the bottom of each foot for use as shoes when you have to walk across a bed of nails.
44. Strap a brick to the bottom of each foot for use as shoes when you have to walk across a stretch of hot asphalt.
45. Strap a brick to the bottom of each foot for use as shoes when you have to walk across an Oakland sidewalk covered with chewing gum and shards of glass.
46. File your fingernails with the side of a brick. Hint: Move your nails across the brick, don't move the brick across the nails.

More to come... Can you add a few?

Waking Up On A Cold And Frosty Morn

2010-12-29T17:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Cheapskate,

I know. Why get out of bed in the morning? Why?
It's cold out there, out in the frigid bedroom air! (You don't use heat, do you? Especially not at night? Heat costs money!!) It's too cold to stick even the most brave and curious of body parts, your little arm, out from under the warm blankets. Would you subject your arm to such an insult? No, of course not! What to do?

I have a couple of suggestions.

1) Don't get up! If you telecommute via iPhone, or, even better, are unemployed, just stay in bed! Wrap yourself in an extra blanket and sit up if you desire. Keep some snacks by the pillow - a bowl of almonds and raisins is nice. Lean your back against a pillow, read a book.

2) If you must get up, sleep in your clothes. Say you go to sleep on a Tuesday. On Tuesday night dress in your Wednesday clothes then get in bed. Delicious warm bed. Wake up Wednesday ready to go! No need to expose your bare skin to the inclement bedroom. You're warm and dressed already.
If your clothes are too uncomfortable to sleep in, change your wardrobe. I recommend sweatpants. Business suits, jeans, anything tight or prone to wrinkles - get rid of it.

3) If you refuse to sleep in your clothes (you are so stubborn!) keep them next to you under the covers. In the morning get dressed under the covers before you get out of bed.

4) As a last resort, scream. Scream and run for it. Throw off the covers, rip off your flannel pajamas (scream with extra gusto as the icy blast hits your naked body), yank on some warm clothes and a down vest, shiver, do some jumping jacks until you warm up enough to stop screaming, and you're good to go.

But what about the water pipes, the spider plant in the macramé hanger by the window, the "Cheepie" the pet parakeet? They need heat don't they?

What The Food Inustry Doesn't Want You To Know About Popcorn!!!

2010-10-22T17:08:00.000-07:00

Cheapskate,

I love popcorn.

I don't love:

The mess and the colories making popcorn the old fashioned (yet delicious) way - in a pot of oil on the stove.
Paying the big bucks for bags of microwave popcorn.
The fuss and noise of an air popper.

What to do??? Don't eat popcorn, right?

Wrong!!!

Cheapskate, I have made the discovery of the CENTURY!!!! I can't believe I didn't figure this out sooner!
You can microwave regular old popcorn for mere pennies!!!!

Here's how:
1) Buy a bag of regular popcorn - the bag with just the kernels, nothing special. It's cheap.

2) Put some kernels into a Tupperware-type container.

3) Place the lid loosely on top. IMPORTANT: Do not seal the lid on or it will explode. The idea is to contain the popcorn while allowing air to escape.

4) Place in the microwave and look and listen for it to be done. CAUTION: Steam is very hot.

5) Voila!!!! Incredilbly cheap and easy popcorn!!!! No bags, no oil, no popcorn popper, no muss, no fuss.

6) Add toppings if desired.

7) Experiment with how much to put in the container and how long to pop. (I put 1/4 cup kernels into the 1 quart container - it doesn't take much.)

Microwave bag: 50 cents
Microwave kernels: 5 cents
300 bags per year
SAVINGS: $135 per year!!!!!

How To Have Ragin' Paaaaartay!

2010-09-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Parties needn't be expensive! I suggest a party for one. Throw yourself a nice party. Splurge! Treat yourself to something special, like three-bags-for-a-dollar marshmallows from Grocery Outlet. (I saw them today. Go! Run get them!) This will be such a cheap party!

What? You don't think it's a real party unless some guests attend? Ok, fine. If you absolutely must have a party for more than one, here's how to do it:

A party!!

Have your party from 3-5pm. These are “between meals” hours. The object it to confuse your guests about the expectation of a meal. Is it dinner time? Lunch time? Neither? Since they’ll be served only a few snacks your guests will be happier if they aren’t unpleasantly surprised by the lack of a meal.

This happened to me recently when I flew on an airplane for the first time in many years. The last time I flew, back in the 1950’s I think it was, I had a piping hot, delicious meal plus all the extra leftover desserts. I received a box of crayons, a deck of cards, some wings to pin on my shirt, and a pair of cozy foot warmers, plus I got to visit the cockpit and meet the captain. Imagine my shock last month when all I got on the plane was a lousy little bag of peanuts. And I didn’t get to meet the captain!!!!!!!!!!!

Do not shock your guests this way. It would be poor manners to shock your guests.

Serve chips and hummus. You can get an enormous bag of tortilla chips at Costco for under four bucks. Use my hummus recipe (below). Multiply the recipe by ten and you should be good to go. Total cost for snacks: about $9.

In your invitation (use evite or some type of free invitation) indicate “BYOB”. Hopefully your guests will be big on drinks and you’ll end up with a lot of leftover booze.

If you’re worried about having enough glasses (serve tap water), save up empty jars for this purpose. Start saving now!

For fun! If, like me, you’re not used to entertaining, it’s wise to brush up your wit in the days before your party. Look up some jokes online so you can get the conversation rolling with gems like, “Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.”

It’s best to have an ending time. If your guests stay too long they may begin to expect a meal. And if they ate a lot of your snacks the effect of the beans should be kicking in so you may want them out.

I know this will be a fun party!!! Who wants to come????

Cheap Hummus
1 cup dry garbanzo beans
Cook in the pressure cooker with water for 30 minutes
Drain and put them in a blender with
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp tahini or peanut butter
the juice from 1 or 2 lemons (get free from neighbor's tree)
4 cloves garlic
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp paprika

This post first appeared on The Frugal Hostess.
If you threw a party like mine (the non-loner kind of party, the party with actual human guests) and you still have any friend(s) left, go to the Frugal Hostess's blog and read all her posts. You'll find out how to have a real party!!

How To Pay For College: 5 Tips

2010-09-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

"College."

Did I scare you?

Imagine you're stranded in a disabled U-boat, a mile beneath the ocean's surface, running out of food and oxygen, you're sweating, listening helplessly as the pinging sound from the enemy battleship above gets closer and closer... The terror!*

Cheapskate, if you're sending Little Johnny to college you know the terror.

"How will I pay for it?"
"I'd rather die than go into debt."
"Maybe the kid can join the Army instead."
"Why did I have kids, again?"

Cheapskate, fear not. Up periscope! Launch torpedoes! Prepare to surface! College can be cheap!!

Tips:

1) Have Johnny attend the local community college for the first two years. Here in foggy California community college is a bargain. It's only a few hundred bucks rather than forty thousand smackers! Johnny lives at home for free and saves a bundle on dorm fees, too!

Ok, let's be honest. Johnny can't stand living at home and would rather live in a sewer pipe than live with mom for one more minute.

Mom was kind of looking forward to having the whole house to herself! Shhh. Do NOT tell Johnny!!!!!!!

Luckily, both Johnny and mom are motivated to tolerate each other by their infinte cheapness. Mom tells Johnny his room will always be his (though she can't wait to make it into her study or rent it out!) and Johnny refrains from scowling at mom too much.

2) Apply for financial aid. The lower your income the better.

3) Johnny has a part time job during the school year. Not only does he save up money for the final two years of college away from home, but you have the house to yourself more because Johnny's off working at the Stop 'n Spend!

4) Do NOT take out a loan!

5) Send Johnny to the cheapest college you can find.

Cheapakate, how do you save money on college?? Do tell!!

*I so totally know about submarines. Look, there's me with the other 4-year-olds in a submarine! I was part of a little known experiment during the cold war. A band of highly trained 4-year-olds were sent on a secret submarine mission in the Baltic Sea! We're clutching the torpedoes! Dive! Dive!

Bad Ideas

2010-07-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Cheapskate,

I'm cheap. You know I'm cheap. But am I too cheap? Never!! Absolutely never! Never ever!

Except that one time.

This is embarrassing. Maybe I shouldn't tell you this.

While riding my bicycle I became hungry. As I reached into my back pocket for a life-sustaining, 3-for-a-dollar, power bar, I spied an unopened package of peanut butter crackers on the side of the road. You know those orange day-glo cracker sandwiches? They were unopened!! Why not pick them up and eat them for free? What could be the harm? They were unopened! I'd save, like, 33.3 cents!!!!

I took a big bite.

Have you ever snacked on road tar mixed with powdered laundry detergent and poison? The crackers looked like crackers but baking on asphalt had transformed them into something else.

I knew I shouldn't have told you about this. I hope you still love me.

Cheapskate, have you ever tried to save money and realized it was a big mistake? Do tell!!!!!!

Things Not To Buy: Anything In A Commercial

2010-07-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Do you wish, with all your might and main, that you lived the life of that happy person in the commercial? The slim business woman eating that burger? The charming fellow drinking that beer, driving that car, wearing those cool shoes? Even though you're a cheapskate, it kind of crosses your mind that maybe, just maybe, you should blow two days of your $5 budget on a box of chicken nuggets?

Let me tell you about commercials. Zeus (that's Zeus, the god, not Dr. Suess, the author) throws a lighting bolt and the commercials appear! All over the place - TV, internet, billboards, magazines... for the good of mankind!

Just kidding.

When you buy something that appeared in a commercial you are paying for the item plus the cost of the advertising. I read somewhere that when you buy a new car (Don't buy a car! Not even a used car!!) you're paying $2,000 just for the advertising plus another $1,500 towards some auto worker's retirement! If true, that's $3,500!! You could buy ten used cars for $3,500!! Even you are given a car for the price of $0, it's still expensive because of gas, insurance, etc.

Notice anything else? Junk food, fast food, weight loss food, beer, cars, anti-aging lotions... This is all stuff you don't need! If you needed it, they wouldn't have to advertise it to make you think you need it because you'd already know you need it.

If you see something in a commerial and you buy it:

1) You're paying for the advertising.

2) You don't need it!!

Finders Keepers

2010-07-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

Cheapskate, are you there? Is anyone reading? I feel so sad and morose, probably because I have quit eating sugar. Cheapskate, your eyes are bugging out - I know you can't believe it. Until last week I lived on sugar. What is life without sugar??? It's nothing, I tell you!! Nothing!!!!! But, my dear Cheapskate, you can help! Leave a comment and I will feel so much better! Say anything, anything at all, just let me know you're there!!! Are you there?

Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers

Dear Cheapskate,

Usually, when finding things, the losers are not "weepers"; the losers are "yay-I -got-rid-of-that-crap"-ers. But if those who formerly owned your finds do indeed weep, so be it.

"Finding things" is a great way to aquire things for free.

Often, especially in summer, aka "stuff on the curb" season, people leave their unwanted items in a cardboard box on the curb. This is a great way to find things as there is no question the items are available for the taking. I recently found the following:

Antique tatted doilie
Cat toy
Airtight and airproof container
Shirt
Broken electonic fake fish tank (unfixable so I threw it away)

Tip: Use discriminating taste or you'll end up with a house full of junk.

Oh, wait, what? You've never heard of tatting? Seriously? Do you think those lace doilies just appeared out of thin air???? No, great great great grandma sat in her wingback chair by the fireplace, peering into her lacework by candle light, her hounds lying obediently at her feet, and tatted those doilies with her little tatting needles!!! And that makes me wonder, what kind of insensitive monster would leave great great great grandma's hand-tatted doily on the curb????

Sometimes I find things that others have lost. If I am sure the item has no hope of being reunited with it's owner, then the rule of Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers comes into play.

Things I've found recently:
A dollar!
Fleece jacket
Miss Piggy Puppet
Hair Ties

When you find things, not only are the things completely free, they're not much trouble (you didn't have to go shopping, you found them as you went about your business), and you find things you didn't even know you needed!!! I did not know that I needed an electronic fake fish tank. I mean, I had no idea. I didn't even know there was such a thing!!!!!

Frivolous Friday: Biscuits for the Cheap and Lazy

2010-06-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Need a decadent snack? You don't have to make a special trip to the store and you don't have to spend a lot of money. Try these butter biscuits which are basically just warm butter sponges. Load them up with melted butter! (And you thought I lived an austere life of deprivation, but no! These biscuits are pure luxury!)

Biscuits
Microwave until soft: 1/2 stick butter (yes, melting butter is biscuit blasphemy because it affects the flakiness but I'm too lazy to cut up cold butter)
Mix in:
2 cups flour
1 tablespoon baking powder (could use 2 but 1 is half the price)
1 tablespoon sugar
3/4 cup water with a squirt of vinegar (could use buttermilk but I'm too cheap)

Plop globs onto a cookie sheet (no buttering the pan, no cutting or shaping the dough - too much work)

Bake at 375 for about 18 minutes

Tip: Turn on the oven as you put the biscuits in. Do not preheat! Use that preheating heat to cook the biscuits. No wasted heat! Preheating is for spendthrifts!

Cost (if you bought the flour in bulk, the butter at Costco, and the baking soda at Grocery Outlet): 48 cents
That's 7 cents for a giant biscuit!

Movies! Books! Puppet Shows! Concerts! Poetry Slams! Dancing Girls!

2010-06-17T16:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, not dancing girls. Except maybe in a tap dance class, which could happen.

Cheapskate,

I'm talking about the public library. Never pay for books or movies. Borrow them from the library! If, like me, you live a couple of blocks from a tiny branch library, a library with a small selection, fret not. Go online, order the latest best seller (or moldy old poor-seller) from the main library, wait for the happy email notification, then go pick it up at that little library! They'll rubber band your name onto it!!!!

The library offers all sorts of other stuff, too, like stories and shows for little kids, art exhibits, lectures by famous authors, movies with popcorn, chess, free lawyers and tax help, internet access, puppet shows, magic shows, "Dial-A-Story", workshops on writing, speaking Spanish, jazz combo, quilting, and knitting.

All totally free!!

Not!

I pay a $116 per year library tax with my property tax. I have to pay it whether I use the library or not, but I do use it a lot!! It's a bargain! If I bought all the books and movies I get from the library it would cost a bundle.

Savings: Thousands of dollars

Marriage. Hunh! Yeah. What is it good for?

2010-06-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

Absolutely nothing!

Dear Cheapskate,

Save a ton of money by implementing the following tip:

Tip: Don't get married.

Aw, Cheapskate, you look so upset! Are you deeply offended? Have I gone too far? I knew this would blow your mind! If you're serious about saving money think of marriage not as a romantic endeavor but as a money sucking scheme.

[Note that though this author is twice divorced she is still absolutely, totally, 100% UNBIASED!! Isn't that great!?!!]

Reasons to NOT get married [Completely objective!!]

Spending and Debt.
Is the prospective spouse a cheapskate? Is he as deliriously frugal as you are? Probably not. (Who is?) Do you want this spendthrift near your finances?

Financial Aid.
Do you have kids in college?
Check out these financial aid FAQ's.

Medical.
You could be stuck with your spouse's medical bills! Then again, maybe you can find a spouse who will provide you with precious medical insurance. [If anyone knows of the availability of this type of medical-insurance-providing prospective spouse please send info asap to savemoneyyoucheapskate@gmail.com and disregard the rest of this post.]

Reasons TO get married.
Publicity stunt.
The right to visit your spouse in the slammer.

Cheapskate, I can see that you are still very offended.
Have you been happily married for many, many years? Did it save you money? Do tell!!!

The Dandelion: Worthless Weed or Delicious Dinner?

2010-06-03T13:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapsakte,

You're so smart, you clever thing! Yes, dandelions are edible and delicious!

Do you carefully cultivate your garden only to have slugs eat your lettuce? Do you dig, plant, fertilize, water, and toil, only to reap a few lousy green beans? Do you make grueling trips to the tool lending library for trimmers and diggers? Grow dandelions!

Is it difficult to grow dandelions? What special equipment is needed? A crack! All you need is a freaking crack in the concrete. Do nothing. No watering. Nothing. And there's your dinner.

Guess what! It's tasty. Eat the flowers and everything. Why make a trip to the store and waste $5.99 on spring salad when you can simply pluck your greens from the driveway for free?

What other urban weeds are edible? Do you know??? There must be a ton. Let's forage!

UPDATE: Whole Foods SELLS dandelion greens for $2.99 a bunch!!!

Gross Me Out The Door!

2010-05-31T16:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

What's Crackalackin'?

Did you collect Garbage Pail Kids cards in the 80's while listening to Cyndi Lauper sing "She Bop" and teasing your hair? Did you think, "Damn Skippy, these cards are awesome! Snot and puke are hilarious! Hahahahaha!" Did you clutch your stomach and double over laughing? If so, you're reading the right blog post.

Cheapskate, if you are delicate, like I am, please read no further. If you must read on, I beg you, please, please, have your smelling salts ready. Consider having a physician stand by. I don't want the shock to fell you. I don't want you to wig-out.

I have discovered or invented several wonderful but grodie ways to save a ton of money. I'm not saying I do these things myself. Maybe I do and maybe I don't. Maybe I just know someone who does. Maybe these things are done only in novels written for children. Who knows?

Toilet Paper.
Use one square. Are you a 25-squares-at-a-time yanker? Your toilet paper will last 25 times longer by using only one square per episode!
$100 per year with '25 squares' method
$4 per year with '1 square' method
Savings: $96 per year

Dental Floss.
Use the same piece of floss over and over and over until it breaks. Don't use it a mere once then toss it. A decent piece of dental floss is good for at least ten flosses!
$60 per year with 'disposable floss' method
$6 per year with 'reusable floss' method
Savings: $54 per year

Chewing Gum.
It's reusable. It loses it's flavor after ten seconds of chewing anyway so why not start with a tasteless piece for free? Stick your chewed gum on the bed post for safe keeping then pluck it off when you're ready for a chew! One piece of gum will last for days!
$50 per year with 'disposable gum' method
$5 per year with 'reusable gum' method
Savings: $45 per year

Cheapskate, I know! These ideas totally wail!!

Do you know any other disgusting yet brilliant ways to save money? Gag me with a spoon!

For What Ails You

2010-05-21T18:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Once in a while, I ail. I ail and when I ail I'll do anything to make it stop. If I'm not prepared for an ailment before it strikes, I could, in a fit of misery, do the unthinkable: spend money! On September 26th, 2009 I spent money on a pepto bismol-like substance that wasn't even on sale! Cheapskate, I hope that nothing ails you and that you feel healthy and happy.

But just in case, be sure to have the following in your medicine cabinet:

Petrolium Jelly
Baking Soda
Corn Starch
Salt
Hydrogen peroxide
Super Glue
Duct Tape

No need for pricey anti-fungals, anti-histamines, or anti-aliasing. Over the many, many, years of my very long life I have gleaned the following home remedies and old wives tales:

Ithcy Feet a.k.a. Athlete's Foot
Soak your feet in salt water and/or rub them with hydrogen peroxide.

Bee Sting
Plop a paste of baking soda and water onto the bee sting.

Poison Oak (I hope I never get this again, ever)
Immediately wash skin with soap. Plop a paste of baking soda and water, or cornstarch and water, onto the rash.

Hemorrhoids
Put petrolium jelly up your butt.

Diaper Rash
Put corn starch on your butt.

Runny Nose
Don't eat milk products.
Boil water and breathe the steam.

Chapped Lips
Put petrolium jelly on your lips.

Indigestion
Drink a little baking soda mixed with water.

Diarrhea
Eat soda crackers a.k.a. saltines. Drink gingerale. Don't eat fruits or vegetables.

Cut
Superglue your skin together.

Sore Throat
Gargle with salt water.

Cough
Eat a spoonful of lemon juice and honey.

Burns (minor)
Immediately run cold water over the burn.

Morning Sickness
Eat soda crackers or carrots.

Warts
Put duct tape on your wart.

Depression
Just snap out of it! (This actually works sometimes, bion.)

Constipation
Eat raw fruit. Eat prunes.

Do you know some other home remedies? Do they work? Please comment!

Dishwasher Detergent And Your Dishwasher: A Fascinating Study

2010-05-19T14:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Do you wish, every time you pour dishwasher detergent into the little indentation in the door of the dishwasher, that you didn't have to shell out for dishwasher detergent? I do.

So I tried some things.

I washed the dishes au naturel, in water only, with no soap. The dishes were still greasy.

I used a substitute: One drop of liquid soap and two tablespoons of baking soda. This worked ok! I would save oodles of money! I'd buy baking soda in bulk and save even more!!

I did some second grade math.
Baking soda in bulk is 89 cents a pound.
Sun (aka "brand X") detergent is $3 for 4.75 pounds at Walgreens, that's 63 cents per pound!! Cheaper, even, than the clever baking soda substitute!!
Safeway brand is $3.49 for 4.68 pounds, or 75 cents per pound.
Cascade is, like, $6 for 4.69 pounds, or over $1.25 per pound - don't even look at the Cascade, not even on sale. You're paying for the advertising.

Conclusion: Sun is the cheapest dishwasher detergent, even cheaper than home-made.

Cheapskate, I know what you're thinking.
Does one use the same amount of baking soda as dishwasher detergent?
Are baking soda and dishwasher detergent the same weight per volume?

I wondered, too.
I washed the dishes using a mere two tablespoons of detergent. The dishes were perfect! (If "perfect" means "mostly clean but you still have to wipe off some crud, as usual".)

I weighed 1/4 cup of baking soda. It was exactly 2 ounces.

I weighed 1/4 cup of dishwasher detergent, expecting it to weigh more, but no, it was also exactly 2 ounces!! The baking soda and dishwasher detergent are the same weight per volume! The diswasher detergent is cheaper than baking soda!!

Tip: Buy brand X dishwashing detergent, preferably on sale.

Tip: Use only two tablespoons (or less) of dishwashing detergent. Do not fill up the whole cup. The box of detergent will last twice as long if you fill the cup only half way!

Tip: Make sure the dishwasher is crammed full before running it. We have a saying in my house, regarding dishes in the dishwasher: "You can always add one more."
Tip: Do not substitute dishwasher detergent for baking soda in your cakes and cookies.

Water, Energy.
Cheapskate, you think too much. You always have just one more question, don't you? Put your hand down - this isn't school; this is a blog. Does the dishwasher use more water than washing dishes by hand? Is saving a few pence on soap cancelled out by the cost of running the dishwasher? Here are the facts (I got this info online so it must be true):
The dishwasher uses less water than washing by hand!!

Here's a great article about dishwasher usage: Does Using a Dishwasher Actually Decrease Water Use?

Whew! Now I don't feel guilty about using the dishwasher!!!

Appliance Reliance

2010-04-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Do you have appliances in your house? A water heater perhaps? A stove, dishwasher, garbage disposal, washing machine...? Have you replaced a thermocouple or cleaned out an air gap? Replaced a hose here and there?
I hope you didn't need to.

I loathe the work of fixing things. But do you know what I loathe even more? Paying someone to do the work of fixing things!

Cheapskate, I have a repair person - it's me. Or, sometimes, it's an unfortunate friend or offspring who happens to be nearby at the time of the appliance crisis and who is a reluctant recruit. (And I wonder why I'm so alone?? Why does no-one drop by???)

When an appliance gets stopped up, stuck, leaky, spews smoke, makes a clunking noise, or flies across the room, here's what I do: I go on the internet and learn how to fix it. I find the online owners manual or search with keywords like, "doesn't drain", "stuck", "no power", or "shooting flames".

Now that I've learned a few things, (like, for a stuck disposal, I first push the red button, then try using an allen wrench, then a broom handle!) it gets easier and easier.

I save so much money fixing things myself!!!

You handy(wo)man, you!!

Travel for Cheapskates

2010-04-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

My strategy for saving money while traveling: Don't! Don't travel!! I stay at home. I love staying home! I just want to be at home.

Some people, espeically, I've noticed (in my world), young people and middle aged men, have a great wanderlust. These people must travel. They'd go nuts staying home. I have consulted with an expert, one Peter Bryson (one of said "young people") who travels super cheap! Next Wednesday, Mr. Bryson embarks upon a one month three country tour and his total cost will be $439!! Total! That's even cheaper than staying home!!!

Mr. Bryson generously reveals his simple secret:
Get a one month Greyhound bus pass for $439. Combine the costs of transportation and lodging into a single manageable sum by traveling at night and sleeping on the bus.

Cheapskate, hold on. I hear your questions.
But what does he eat?
Does he ever take a shower?
Does he get a crick in his neck from sleeping in a seat?
Doesn't he want to travel during the day and look out the window some time?
Does he stay in the bus for a whole month without getting out?
Who takes care of his cat while he's gone?

Mr. Bryson responds with a link to his blog (and notes that he doesn't have a cat):

sleeponbuses.blogspot.com

The Garden Slug: A Worthy Opponent

2010-04-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Slugs.

Lighting fast. Whip smart. Tricky as hell.

You probably thought they were slow and easy to smush. You were wrong.

Last night, as I lurked with my flashlight and specially designated "slug fork" to battle the beasts, I noticed two slugs racing each other across the path. Yes, racing. I could see the slippery trails of slime in their wake. They appeared to be moving slowly but this is part of their trickery. They move fast only when you're not looking. Try this: Look away casually, then whip your head around. By the time you're looking they've slowed down again. Try sneaking up on them from around a corner, or jumping out from behind a bush. They still appear to be moving slowly because they're that tricky. You can't catch them moving fast, but they do move fast. Really fast. When you're not looking.

They also pretend to have dainty appetites. Don't believe it. They can devour 1000 times their weight in one night. Five of them will gang up on one little bean sprout and eat it to the ground. With absolutely no remorse!

I know this because I pick them off one poor defenseless bean plant with the slug fork and then five minutes later the slug army of reinforcements has resumed devouring that very same defenseless bean plant!!!

So, how to defeat this wily foe?

1) Desperate, I went to Home Depot planning to use my store credit on some kick-ass chemicals. I would nuke them. But the $10 box of chemicals promised to kill the slugs AND the earthworms, my pets, the neighbors kids, and every other living thing so I didn't buy it. I was too cheap to spend the $25 for the less lethal chemicals, even if they would defeat my evil sluggy foe.

2) Beer. I hear they will happily crawl into a bowl of beer. Who wouldn't?? But I'm too cheap to buy beer.

3) A bowl of sugar and yeast mixed with water caught about fifteen slugs! The black bowl worked much better than the clear bowl.

4) I will pick them off by hand, every night, until they learn: Do not mess with my plants!!!

Does anyone have a better battle plan? A cheap one??

Things Not To Buy: Anything From A Convenience Store

2010-03-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Tip: Never, ever, buy anything from a convenience store.

By "Convenience Store" I mean any little 7-11 type store, any gas station store, and any "Mom and Pop" (or in the case of my 'hood, a "Geezer and Nephew") corner store.

Last Thursday, while traveling to Napa with my son (he's alive!) for his job interview, we stopped at a Rotten Robbie to fill up our water bottles (free) and to use the bathroom (free). We observed harried commuters parting with their money! Cars were lined up to buy gas. (The cars weren't buying the gas, the people were buying the gas.) Our bicycles didn't need any gas. We got to Napa (40 miles) for free!

Inside this money-sucking establishment a gaggle of bookpack-wearing, ipod-listening middle schoolers were also busy parting with their money. A 13 year old girl ahead of me in line (I had to wait to get the bathroom key -

"Do you have a water fountain?"
"What?"
"A wa-ter foun-tain?"
"A what?"
"Never mind. Can I have the bathroom key?"
"What?"
"The bathroom key?"
Grudgingly hands over the bathroom key.
"Thanks!")

spent $6.05 on a handful of candy bars!! Ok, yes, candy bars are mighty delicious, but $6.05?? Where did she get $6.05, anyway? If she put $6.05 into a bank account every day then at the end of the year she'd have $2,208.25!!!

If she had planned ahead and bought the candy bars 3-for-a-dollar at Grocery Outlet she would have saved $5.05 per day, or $1,842.25 per year.

On a recent trip to Grocery Outlet I saw an enterprising middle schooler stocking up on 3-for-a-dollar candy bars to sell at school. Nice little business!

Tip: Every single thing at a convenience store can be purchased for a fraction of the price elsewhere.

Tip: There is nothing you actually need at a convenience store. Want, yes. Need, no. (Moon pie, pig ears, beer, coke slush puppy, Hulstler magazine, RV magazine, lottery ticket, energy vitamin pack, car freshener for that "new car" smell, jerky, cigarette lighter...)

When Your Slab Fails You: Redux

2010-03-03T21:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Cheapskate,

This morning, early, well before the hour when the sun attempts to peek through the fog and well before the hour when I usually wake, I drove to the Greyhound station to pick up my son.
Made it to the Greyhound station.
Plus one block.

Long story short: I am now walking the walk. I no longer possess an automobile. It's all walking or bike riding for me. I have sometimes been self-righteous and hypocritical, bragging about how little I use my car and how we should all do away with cars for the sake of the planet while still using a car.

"Ha!" you say. "Let's see how you like really not having a car, smartypants!"

Yes, we shall see.

I'll save at least $100 a month on car expenses, plus I'll save because it'll be difficult to buy stuff. If it's raining or dark, for example, I will be disinclined to walk or cycle to the store and thus I will not part with my precious money. If I'm hungry enough, I'll go, or I'll finally eat that old stuff in the freezer.

Number One Beauty Tip

2010-02-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Number One Beauty Tip: Only look in the mirror in dim light.

I got this idea from Blanche duBois. She only met her suitors in locations with dim light in order to appear more young and attractive.

The best thing for your vanity is to look into the mirror sparingly, and only in dim light. I do this and I always look GREAT! At least I think I look great and that's what matters. In dim light I have no wrinkles, no blemishes, and no scars. My skin is smooth and my non-existant makeup is always perfect! My DIY haircut looks ok and my nose doesn't even look that crooked.

How does this save money? In oh so many ways!

Electricity: First thing in the morning, it's half light or foggy, DO NOT turn on the bathroom light! Save money on electricity! Keep that light dim.

Gear: Use a regular mirror, preferably coated with fog from the shower and obscured by rust spots. God forbid the magnifying mirror, lighted mirror, or "vanity" lighting. Don't spend money on any of this stuff.

Makeup: I feel no need to buy expensive hydrating lotions with pseudo-scientific names, anti-wrinkle creams, or botox treatments!! This save a bundle of money.

Here's the trick though. When you go out into the world, be careful or you may accidentally catch your reflection somewhere in harsh light, like, say, in your rear view mirror on a sunny day. This can be quite a shock. If this happens, tell yourself that even Angelina Jolie would look bad in your rear view mirror. Then run home and admire yourself in the dim light.

Guest Cheapskate: Fashion!

2009-12-06T16:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Today I have a treat for you. The fabulously frugal Michelle is writing the post. Yes, that Michelle! I know!

Missive from Michelle:

"For those of you who read magazines where they go over what the model is wearing and how incredibly much each item costs, here is a little something for you.

This is our friend Ellen wearing one of her many beautifully coordinated outfits.

New down jacket: LL Bean, $5 at Goodwill, wool scarf: $4 Goodwill, pants: $5 (Juicy Couture - normally $100!) Goodwill, matching jacket: $5 (at a different Goodwill!!!), shoes: new, Northface outlet, $25. Who needs to Christmas shop at regular stores!"

Thank you, Michelle!!!

Waste Not, Want Not: Toast

2009-11-30T09:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Don't throw away food!

I usually eat less than a whole piece of toast for breakfast. But I never throw away the leftover bit!! I put it back into the bread bag and re-toast it the next day. It's still delicious.

If, for some unlikely, tragic reason, it is no longer delicious, I still don't thow it away! I put it outside for the birds; then I plop Beaubeau by the window to watch the show!! Beaubeau loves watching birds!

A lesser Cheapskate might throw away this quarter piece of bread, thus wasting a quarter loaf of bread, thus wasting a quarter the cost of the loaf of bread, this wasting 50 cents (depending on the cost of the loaf of bread).

Savings:
50 Cents per loaf x 26 loaves per year
TOTAL SAVINGS: $13 (or more!!!)

Sometimes I eat only half a piece of toast, increasing my savings ever more!!!

Things Not To Buy: Aluminum Foil

2009-11-12T21:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Never, ever, buy aluminium foil.

Cheapskate, don't look so sad. We'll figure something out for your Martian costume, and for the antenna on your TV. (I'm glad you don't have cable! Good for you! Cable's a total waste of money and you shouldn't be wasting your time watching TV anyway.)

You can easily live without aluminum foil. I have never purchased aluminum foil, except for that one time in 1987, when I mistakenly thought it would work as a weight loss device. (Don't ask.)

I know, it's handy to use to cover your chicken while it's cooking. Use a lid! Or, better yet, don't eat chicken - it's expensive. And have you heard about how they raise and engineer chickens these days? Yikes. Cruel.

I haven't bought aluminum foil in so long, I don't even know what you might need it for. Cover things with lids or other pans. Cook things right on the pan, not on a layer of aluminum foil.

I do have a piece of aluminum foil in my kitchen drawer. Someone brought me a gift of food, wrapped in aluminum foil. I washed off the foil and kept it! If I think of a reason to use it, I'll use it, then wash it again!!

Save money! Save the environment! Never buy aluminum foil.

Things Not To Buy: Paper Towels

2009-10-29T10:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Another simple rule for you:

Rule: Never, ever, buy paper towels.

Every time you eliminate an item from you repertoire of things to purchase, not only do you save money, you save trips to the store, relieve yourself of things to carry home, reduce your garbage (and thus get a lighter trash can to carry), and help the environment!

Plus you can sneer at the other suckers who have paper towels in their grcery carts!

Paper towels: Who needs 'em? I mean, humans sruvived for all but the last fifty years, just fine, without paper towels.

Oh, wah, wah. No, you don't need paper towels, not even for drying your lettuce.

Use cloth towels in the kitchen, even for drying your lettuce. I have about twenty kitchen towels. Some of them are threadbare or have holes, but these are the best ones for drying lettuce! Use them for wiping things, drying things, everything you would use paper towels for.

Ok, I, myself, have often been tempted to buy just one, one!, roll of paper towels for the purpuse of washing windows. The windows were sooo dirty and it made my cloth towels filthy!
I resisted tempation and I didn't buy paper towels. Instead I bought a squeegee at the dollar store. For a dollar! It's a great squeegee! It has a spongy side and a squeegee side! It works great for windows. And who wouldn't want to say the word "squeegee" as often as possible!!!

If you want to treat yourself to the paper towel experience, you can do so for free!! Whenever you go to the food court at Costco, or a place that offers free paper napkins, grab a few! Even if you don't buy the food court stuff. (Never buy the food court stuff! See upcoming post on not buying snacks.) Then you can luxuriate, on special occasions such as washing a mirror, with a paper-towel-like wipe!!!

Hummingbird Food

2009-10-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

In my never ending quest to provide entertainment for Beaubeau, I lured some birds to the window for him to watch. It's like TV for cats, only better! Hummingbirds. I got some hummingbird feeders on freecycle and then I went to buy some hummingbird food at the pet store. It's expensive!! $5.99 for 2 liters of red liquid. I read the ingredients: Sugar, red food coloring, and water - for $5.99!!! $5.99 for sugar, red dye, and water???? I could make this at home for practically free!!

Hummingbird Food
Dissolve 1/4 cup sugar in 1 cup water
(I figured the hummingbirds would be ok without the poisonous red food coloring.)

That's it!!

2 Liters Hummingbird Food From Store: $5.99
2 Liters Hummingbird Food From Home: 40 cents

The hummingbirds guzzle this stuff!! And I don't blame them! Yay, sugar! The little sugar addicts drink a liter a week. That's 52 liters per year!

Savings per year: $290.68

But what about Beaubeau???

Beaubeau lounges at the window basking in the sun while the hummingbirds flit around right in front of his face!! Beaubeau looks up ever so slightly and says, "Oh, another hummningbird."

I got a cutting of pineapple sage from freecycle and it grew into this big plant! When the hummingbirds aren't too drunk on sugar water, they drink/eat/guzzle/sip/snort the pineapple sage. They're so cute!

Suggestions from a Brilliant Cheapskate

2009-10-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

One of our esteemed fellow cheapskates has sent several amazingly cheap tips!! She is a genius!!

Here are her tips:

1) "I'm not sure if this is too cheap or what, my husband thinks it is, but after we've squeezed out as much toothpaste from a tube as we can, I cut the bottom of the tube off, scrape what I can off from the bottom inch or so, cut a bit more off, etc, etc, until I've cut most of the tube off and am scraping paste off from inside the funnel-part and neck. You can get at least 5-10 additional brushings out, depending on how flat you've squeezed the tube. Maybe more if you don't use a flat object to squeeze paste to the top. My extremely cheap suggestion."

2) "Another tip - if you don't eat organic, have you checked out ethnic stores? I've been meaning to check out the Indian places on San Pablo and University in Berkeley, I hear spices are very reasonable there."

3) "I have a money saving tip for you re: fleas and cats. Several years ago, a vet at school told me that Advantage (NOT Advantix or Advantage Multi) for dogs was exactly the same as Advantage for cats, just put in different sized tubes. You just need a syringe (no needle). Ever since, I have never paid the cat dosing price for our three cats. I buy Advantage for large dogs (the bigger the better), pull out a tube, shake well, squirt a little on a piece of waxed paper or foil, something you can throw away, and suck up a dose in a syringe. If you get too much out, you can put it back in the tube. For cats and kittens under 9lb, it's 0.4ml, for cats over 9lb, it's 0.8ml. Then you hunt down little Fluffy, darn her flea-ridden hide, pin her down, and apply as normal. http://www.lisaviolet.com/cathouse/advantage.html - works with Frontline, too (diff. doses) if that's your poison of choice. I personally won't go more than two months between doses during the warm months once the cats get fleas, I have small, delicious, and tender-skinned children. And an equally unamused larger delicious and tender-skinned husband. I buy a mondo pack for mondo dogs ($65 online at Fosters Smith, no idea where I got it last time), and it will last me easily a year. Same 6 pack for cats would cost just about the same amount and only last me a couple doses. If you only have one cat, it would last you a very long time even if you dosed every month."

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things Not To Buy: Juice

2009-10-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Have you read the nutritional information on the back of the juice bottle? Any kind of juice? It's mostly sugar. Just empty, cavity-inducing, fattening calories. I never buy juice and I save money. Drink tap water instead! Tap water is pretty much free!! And it's definitely delicious! Put some in the refrigerator to make it even more delicious. Yum. Nice, cold tap water.

If you have three kids and buy a gallon of organic apple juice and a half gallon of fresh squeezed orange juice per week, that's, like, $14 per week. That's $728 per year!!

Pets: Fleas

2009-10-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Did you happen to own a dog in the 1970's? Were you overwhelmed with fleas? Did you do the best you could and arm your dog with a flea collar and a flea-shampoo bath? Did the fleas fill the carpet and jump so high, en masse, that you had to walk across your room high in the air, by stepping from a chair to a wobbly desk to a chair to the bed, to avoid the floor where an ocean of vicious fleas awaited your delicious leg blood? Would you vacuum them up but it didn't help much? Never mind your poor, dear, miserable, itching, scratching pet?

Now there's this miracle flea liquid you apply to your pet once a month! Just a few drops between your pet's shoulder blades a mere once a month and there are no fleas! Personally, after my experience with the untrainable, undefeatable, fleas of the 1970's, I was willing to pay any price for these fabulous anti-flea drops. WAS willing to. It's, like, twenty bucks a pop. Worth it? Yes.

But I wondered: How can I save some money here?

I happened to talk to a vet (a veterinarian, not a veteran) who told me that indoor cats can get by with the treatments every two months. Hallelujah! I save $10 per month, or $120 per year!!

Then I wondered: What if I give this to my cat every four months?
So I did! No fleas! I save $15 per month, or $180 per year!

Then, my friend told me he never puts the drops on his indoor cat. But he lives in an apartment on the fourth floor in the city. Cockroaches, yes. Fleas, no.

My cat, Beaubeau, lives on the first floor and sits by a lot of open windows, tempting the fleas with all his soft, thick, great-for-hiding-in, fur.

Maybe Beaubeau can hold off the fleas for five months! Six! I'll save even more money!

Here's what I'm wondering: Why don't they put this stuff on kids who have lice?

Sunblock

2009-09-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

I recently spent part of a Saturday afternoon at the makeup counter at Macy's. I know! I can't believe I went to Macy's either! But my spendy friend wanted to go, and I wanted to spend time with my spendy friend. Going to the makeup counter at Macy's is definitely not an activity for cheapskates, let me tell you.
There were all these hopeful ladies with bad skin, scurrying around the makeup counters, desperate to spend, like, a hundred dollars for one lousy little jar of miracle facial cream! A hundred dollars!

Q: What is the correct amount of money to spend on miracle facial cream?
A: 99 cents.

You can get a huge jar of miracle facial cream at Grocery Outlet for 99 cents.

Q: What is the correct (and free) miracle facial treatment activity for a Saturday afternoon?
A: Exercise! Preferably bike riding because it's the most fun. And wear sunblock.

Stock up on sunblock when they have it at Grocery Outlet. I just bought two bottles for $3.99 each. I saved $16!!! (It would have been $12 each at a regular store.) Woowee! I don't have to worry about my face or my credit card and I can spend my Saturdays bike riding!!

PS Why is it called sun block? It doesn't actually block the sun. It doesn't work that well.

Tools: Tree Trimming

2009-09-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Do you trim your trees once or twice a year? I do. I use a couple of ingenious trimming tools. There is this awesome tool: It's a saw connected to the end of a long extentable pole! Before I knew about this particular tool, I had a complicated system for tree trimmming involving ladders, rope, a hacksaw, sneakers with good grip, a helmet, and lots of shouting and running away fast.

Is this wonder tool expensive to purchase? Probably. It must be because it's a wonder tool. But I don't even know because I check it out from the Tool Lending Library for free!

I often get tools from the Tool Lending Library. It's connected to the Book Lending Library, so sometimes I check out some books while I'm there, too. It's great!

Tip: Return the tools on time. The overdue fees are large.

Finding Things: Hair Ties

2009-09-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Remember that time you were laughing about how people used to save bits of string or save rubber bands from newspapers? In 1973 your dad had that rubber band ball? You were practically doubled over. Well, don't laugh! The tip I'm giving you today is in the realm of such extreme cheapness.

Get our your hankerchief, for you will soon be weeping at my sad, sad story.

My sad story:
When I was growing up, I was too poor to afford fancy coated elastic hair ties. I had use regular old rubber bands saved from newspapers to make a ponytail! Regular old rubber bands pull your hair out and hurt like crazy. So I learned to keep a sharp eye out for abandoned elastic hair ties.

Luckily they're all over the place! Especially in parking lots. To this day I rejoice when I see a nice hair tie lying on the street, free for the taking! Oh, blessed un-pulled-out hair!! This morning I found one while I was riding my bike down Telegraph Ave. Not only is my hair safe from painful pulling, but the hair tie has a happy new life! And I save monney!

You may think it's gross to use a hair tie that has been run over by cars and has maybe been in someone else's greasy ponytail, but so what? It's better than having your hair pulled out by a mean rubber band.

You may think this is not a way to save a lot of money, but listen: If you are this cheap in every aspect of your life, you will save a bundle!!!

Read and learn, Cheapskate, read and learn.

Food: Bananas

2009-09-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

The cheapest place to buy bananas is Costco. A pack of nine bananas is $1.29, or 14 cents per banana. They are very green though. Will they ripen nicely? It's a gamble.

The next cheapest place to buy bananas is at Trader Joe's. At Trader Joe's a banana will cost you 19 cents, regardless of size.

At Berkely Bowl a medium banana is 25 cents (based on a 69 cents per pound price).

At Grocery Outlet, seven bananas in a bag is $1.99, or 28.4 cents per banana. I know it's hard to believe, but the almighty Grocery Outlet is not always the cheapest!!
You know what else isn't the cheapest at Grocery Outlet? Raisins. Today I could have bought a two pound bag of raisins for $3.99 at Grocery Outlet but I didn't because raisins are only $1.25 per pound at Berkeley Bowl! But this is not a post about raisins, it's a post about bananas. Try to focus on the correct subject, please.

At the Quick Stop gas station, one banana is 75 cents.

Yummy bananas!!!!!

Food: Meat

2009-09-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Here's my suggestion for buying meat:

Never, ever buy meat.

It's ok to eat meat if it's offered to you for free, like at a party, or as part of the free snack at Costco. I just had a delicious free sample of top sirloin at Berkeley Bowl. ($7.99 a pound to purchase - Do Not Purchase!)

One pound of hamburger costs, like, three bucks!!! That plus some vegetables and bread will only make two meals! For about the price of one pound of hamburger you could have twenty hearty bowls of Bean-Lentil soup!!!! For one pound of top sirloin you could have fifty-five bowls of Bean-Lentil soup!!!!

Two dollars - Price of meal with hamburger
18 cents - Price of meal of Bean-Lentil soup

Savings by not eating meat: 91-96%

I'd rather put that dollar eighty-two into the bank and lentils into my stomach!

There are all those pesky environmental conerns, too. It takes 500 gallons of water and three acres of land to make one lousy pound of hamburger. (Ok, I made those numbers up. It's something like that. Look it up.)

How many green beans could you grow with three acres of land and 500 gallons of water? A LOT!!!! Way more than a pound!!!

Food: Super Cheap Soup

2009-09-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

I hope you are hungry. Very hungry. Because I have a huge, cheap meal for you. I, myself, am stuffed, and I have plenty leftover! You'll be stuffed, too.

Bean-Lentil Soup
1 cup dry red beans - 50 cents
Soak them in water overnight

In a skillet cook up (with or without a little oil):
2 onions, chopped up - 40 cents
lots of tomatoes from garden, chopped up - 0 cents
1 red bell pepper, chopped up - 50 cents
1 thing of garlic, chopped up - 20 cents

Dump the above, plus 1 cup dry lentils, plus 4 cups water, plus

spices - 20 cents
1 tbsp chili powder
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp ginger powder
1/2 tsp salt

into a big pot and simmer for an hour.

Tasty!!

For $1.80 (or less - I overestimated the costs) you'll have soooo much Bean-Lentil soup! Like, ten giant bowls of the stuff! That's 18 cents per meal! That's ten meals for one person. That's five meals for two people! Or if you're like me, that's two meals for one person, who then is sick of beans and lentils, and then there's a meal for two, and then one meal in a tupperware as a "lovely gift" to a friend, and then three meals into the freezer for next week after a little break from Bean-Lentil soup.

Cheap!!!

Clothing: Thrift Stores

2009-09-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

I just bought my whole winter wardrobe! My whole winter wardrobe, plus a cap, plus two Christmas presents!! I did blow almost my whole daily budget in one fell swoop - I spent $9.
I should tell you that I am very lucky in a particular way. Lucky in a way that makes it easy for me to get all the clothing I need for free or almost free. I am lucky to have a special talent:

I am blessed with my own sense of style.

This means that I can wear whatever I want. And what I want to wear is clothes that are comfortable and cheap.

Rule: Never, ever pay more than $5 for an article of clothing.

I have not had new clothes for a very long time. I scored at the thrift store today. I got a Gap cotton turtleneck, which appears to be unused, for $3. I got an Express velour hoodie, so new the tags are still on (!) for $3. I got three brand new caps for $1 each! I only need one cap but I think I can unload the other two on my kids as Christmas presesnts! They'll think I spent twelve bucks!!! Ha Ha!(Actually, they won't think that because 1) they know I wouldn't spend $12 on a cap and 2) they read this blog.)

Tip: If you rarely buy clothes, it will be that much more exciting when you do. I am very excited about my new clothes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next Sunday, at this particular wonderful thrift store, all the clothes will be one dollar!!!! Woo wee baby!

Bean Counting

2009-09-08T13:11:00.001-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

For you, I wasted 59 cents. For you! Ok, really for me, so I could prove a point and feel smug. My dear Cheapskate, sometimes you tell me you're frugal because you ate a can of beans in lieu of meat. I am not impressed. You can do so much better. I will tell you how. It's simple.

Buy dry beans, not canned.

Here's what I did:

I bought a 16 ounce can of cooked black beans for 59 cents. (Wasteful.)
I bought a 16 ounce bag of dry black beans for 99 cents. (Not wasteful.)

I counted the beans in the can, one by one!!! There were 427 cooked beans in the "59 cents" can.
I counted out 427 dry beans. After that, I felt silly counting beans so I didn't actually count all the beans remaining in the bag of dry beans. I can tell you that 427 dry beans is not even 1/8th of the bag!!! That's around 12 cents for the same number of beans in the "59 cents" can!! The bag of dry beans is still practically full even with 427 beans removed!! Wow! There are lot of beans in that bag. Bean heaven.

You save over 80% by buying dry beans instead of canned beans!! That's a bundle! Imagine saving 80% on everything you spend money on!!

That's like getting five cans of beans for the price of one!! It's like getting four cans of beans free! A whole family could be stuffed with dry beans (I suggest cooking them before eating) for only 59 cents.

When you buy the beans in a can, you're paying someone four times the cost of the beans just to cook them! And put them in a can.

Dry beans are the way to go. What a bargain. Don't get me started on split peas and lentils!!

PS If you're the green type, dry beans must be the superior choice - no cans to manufacture, transport, and recycle.

Freecycle: Given

2009-09-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Here are some things I've given recently:

Fireplace Stuff. This came with my house and after not using it for a year, I am sure I can part with it.

Chocolate Chip Cookies. My addiction. Offering these on freecycle was a big hit! I met some cool people. These two nice brothers came over by bicycle and had cookies on my porch. (And took a bag home with them.) They tipped me off to the free garden soil at the ecolgy center!

Bike shorts. By coincidence the person who asked for them was the person who gave me the pantyhose!

Plants: Cuttings

2009-09-02T13:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

You don't have to pay for plants! You just take a cutting from another plant, stick it in the dirt, give it plenty of water, and voilà! New plant. I have done this succesfully now with lots of plants. Some of the cuttings died, but some of them are growing like gangbusters! (Whatever gangbusters are?)

I have done this with potato vines, tomatoes, aloe vera, and some other succulents I don't know the name of. If you're not sure it'll work, just try it anyway. What have you got to lose?

Tip: Keep the cuttings wet for at least a few weeks until they take root. Once they start to grow, you've succeeded!

Tip: If you covet your neighbor's plant, just go over and ask if you can take a cutting!! Not only will you have the plant, you'll be kissing up to your neighbor - she'll be flattered that you admire her plants and will like you more!

Then do what I do: Laugh as you stroll through the plants section at Home Depot.
"Hahahaha! Nice try plants! Nice try looking all enticing with your pretty green leaves and oxygen but I don't need to buy you - I grow my own! Hahahaha!"

Food: Mueslix

2009-08-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Do you eat Mueslix? I do. It's superior in both taste and nutrition to granola, but at $4.39 per pound it's pricey. Have you looked carefully at the ingredients? It's mostly oatmeal. And raisins. I don't even like raisins! So I mix my own. It's much cheaper and even tastier!*

Here's my recipe:

1 pound rolled oats @ $1.15 per pound
1 pound barley flakes @ $1.39 per pound
1 pound rye flakes @ $1.39 per pound
1 pound date pieces @ $2.29 per pound (I have a sweet tooth)
1/2 pound shredded coconut @ $2.19 per pound
1/2 pound almonds @ $3.33 per pound @ Costco

Cost per pound: $1.80

This is less than half the cost of buying the Mueslix pre-mixed with yucky raisins!!!

You save 59%!!!!

!!!!!!

*Do they still make Applejacks? Nothing is as tasty as Applejacks. Except maybe Captain Crunch. Or having a bowl of chocolate chips for breakfast. Having a bowl of choclate chips for breakfast would be good.

Finding Things: Bowls

2009-08-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw a carboard box on the sidewalk. One of those wonderful cardboard boxes full of giveaway stuff! I always take a peek, even when I'm in a hurry. I can't help it.

I had been wanting some little bowls. Little bowls for my dainty portions of salad and mueslix. (See upcoming post on DIY mueslix! It will be exciting!)

There they were! My new bowls!! One is a Batman bowl and one is a Simba bowl. Who wouldn't want to eat out of a Batman bowl or a Simba bowl? Why are are grown-up bowls so boring, anyway?

Score!

When your Slab fails you

2009-08-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

My dear fellow Cheapskate,

Last night I had a stunning, world-view-shattering experience! I am still reeling from the shock. Forgive me if I mumble as I have not fully regained my faculties. Here's what I learned:

My trusty 1990 Honda Civic might possibly not last forever!!!

I know!! I couldn't believe it either! Who knew??

Here's what happened:
I dropped off my two spendy kids at the movies. (The third, my favorite, thrifty, after-my-own-heart kid, decided to stay home to save the ten bucks...)
Then my car wouldn't start! Because I'm a cheapskate, I have cheap roadside assistance insurance, and I had to wait three hours for a tow truck!!
Three hours is a lot of time to sit in one's car and ponder.

I read the owner's manual cover to cover. I learned how to change the fuses, something I've been meaning to do. If I get some fuses the windows might open again!

It got too dark to read about how to change the tires, so I tried to take a nap but the cops came and tried to intimidate me with their powerful flashlights. (Why do they have "BERKELEY" emblazoned on their vests in two foot high letters? Is it so if they accidentally wander into Oakland we'll know which team they're on?)
So, no nap. Instead, my mind was abuzz. How could I avoid this miserable situation in the future? The answer was obvious: Dye my hair blue, get a jumpsuit with the name "Katt" (my nom de car mechanic) embroidered over the breast pocket, enroll at Wyotech, and become a car mechanic. Ooor, don't own a car. No car, no car problems, no car pollution, no car expenses! I noted my mileage and made some calculations.

Monthly car expenses:
Registration: $2
Gas: $32
Insurance: $25
Average Repairs: $39
TOTAL: $98

That's, like, $1,200 per year!!!

Do I really need a car? Does anyone need a car? Does anyone really need much of anything? It's handy to have a car, but I would survive without one.

Conclusion: Keep this one until it can no longer be resuscitated. Then - no car.

UPDATE: I got to ride in a tow truck!!! How cool is that????!!???

Going Out to Eat

2009-08-20T12:52:00.001-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

I'm going to give it to you straight. One word on going out to eat:

Don't.

Listen, Cheapskate, stop with the excuses. And for heaven's sake, is that a tear? If you want to save money, you simply can't go out to eat. At all. Ever. Not even for a burrito. And no, not even for a McDonald's hamburger. Not even when they're two for a dollar.

There are some situations where you may feel compelled or obliagated to go out to eat. Do not succumb. You don't have to. I have some helpful suggestions for getting out of going out to eat.

1) It's a date.
If someone invites you out to dinner, and even if they are going to pay, tell them you'd prefer to have the cash. Offer to cook them a home-cooked meal of lentils and garden green beans in exchange for the cost of going out to eat. If you're like me, you'll need to unload some green beans anyway. Or show up for the dinner with a couple of peanut butter sandwiches. If this person is worthy of you, they will understand.

2) The "Yay, it's so-and-so's birthday work lunch."
I once had one of those mindless jobs - sitting in a beige cubicle staring at a computer monitor. Every so often I felt obligated to go to one of these lunches. If you must go, don't eat. If necessary, say you have a stomach ache. If you eat even one bite of bread from the bread basket you will be expected to pay a full share of the meal. Do not eat even one bite. Don't order a drink because this will have the same effect of reqiuring you to pay for a full share of the tab. When it's your birthday, don't tell anyone. If they find out anyway, tell them you have a stomach ache and can't go out to eat.

3) You're away from home and hungry.
Tough. It probably won't kill you to be hungry. I mean, people fast on purpose for their health so do you think missing just one meal is going to hurt? Carry a couple of apples in your backpack for emergencies like these. Plan ahead and bring a peanut butter sandwich. An added plus: You will enjoy your dinner even more if you skipped lunch.

I wouldn't own a house now if I had blown money going out to eat. Think about why you are saving money and this will help motivate you.

Pets: Cat Grass

2009-08-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

Have you ever spent $3.99 on one of those little pots of lush green cat grass at the pet store? You thought, boy, my faithful cat would love to munch on that cat grass. And really, money is no object here, because what is money compared to the happiness of my precious pet? Then you saw, next to the little pots of cat grass, little bags of cat grass seeds for sale? You thought, I could save money growing my own cat grass, which will make me happy, and my cat will be happy, too! We'll both be happy!

You can indeed grow your own cat grass!! But not by buying those seeds you saw at the pet store. Oh, no. I have a much better idea.

My dear Cheapskate, I have a fantastically cheap idea for you today.

I did what you did. I went to the pet store. I saw that cat grass. I saw those seeds. I saw the price of those seeds ($2.95 for one ounce of seeds!), and I thought - what kinds of seeds are these exactly? What is cat grass, really?
I read the label: barley, oats, wheat.

Barley, oats, wheat??!!?? This is what this fancy, special, mysterious, cat grass is made of? For $2.95 per ounce? That's, like, $47.20 per pound! (As a highly motivated cheapskate, I have learned to do such calculations quickly in my head. You will, too. I promise.) Can't I buy oatmeal from the bin at the grocery store for $1.25 per pound? Don't they have whole grains there, too, in those bins? Cat grassy grains like barley, oats, and wheat???

I rode my bicycle as fast as I could to Berkeley Bowl (a very cool grocery store) and I ran to the bins section. (Wear sneakers for optimal running.) I bought 32 cents worth of whole oats, 43 cents worth of wheat berries, and 39 cents worth of whole barley. (I also had the free cheese sample while I was there.)

I planted a little pot using a fraction of my seed supply, watered it every day, and voilà! It grew! It grew into beautiful, tall, green, delicious (according to Beaubeau - I didn't taste it myself) cat grass. And I'm not even good at growing things!!!

I know you can't believe it - all that cat grass for $1.14. But wait, there's more. This was a year ago and I'm still using that same supply of seeds and there are still a lot of seeds in those little baggies! That $1.14 worth of grain grows a LOT of cat grass!

Tip: As soon as one pot of cat grass is tall and ready to give to your cat, plant seeds in a second pot. When the fist batch is eaten or has turned brown, the second will be ready.

Calcuation:
At the pet store: $3.99 every two weeks for cat grass. That's $103.74 per year.
Plant edible grains: $1.14 for (eternity?) a year.
Savings: $102.60 per year!!!!

And think of all the time you saved not going to the pet store, and the money you saved because you weren't at the pet store so you weren't tempted to buy a bunch of junk you didn't need while you were there!

And you grew your own grass!! How cool is that???? You farmer, you.

PS The pot and dirt were free. I'll tell you how to get free stuff like pots and dirt in another post. I know you can't wait!!!!

Q-Tips!

2009-08-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheapskate,

I thought up a brand new cheapskate thing today! I'm so proud of myself. I'm talking about Q-Tips. This is the sort of disposable item that I don't usually buy - I would never buy paper towels or paper napkins, for example. But Q-tips are indispensable, for me, for removing eye makeup.
How often do you use only one tip and then chuck the whole thing into the garbage when there's still a perfectly good tip left on the other end? A perfectly good tip wasting away in that nasty bathroom garbage bin. (Note I have refrained from describing particular items in said bathroom garbage bin. Use your imagination.) That's my $$$, earned doing soul sucking tasks for the man, being tossed thoughtlessly away. I'll keep those soft cottony tips, thank you.

The Tip on Q-Tips: Cut them in half!

That's right. By cutting them in half so that there is only one wonderful cottony tip per stick, you throw away only used tips, and you DOUBLE your money.

Calculation: $10 for a giant two-pack at Costco, purchased once every two years. Savings: $10 over two years. I save $5 per year!! Ok, reality check, that's not a lot of money. That's 1.37 cents per day. But I'm a CHEAPSKATE. I want that $5. I'll pay that $5 down on my house, or waste in on chocolate, or whatever.

My dear Cheapskate, stop! I can hear you snickering.
"Right, like, saving 1.37 cents a day is going to enable me to quit my job. Ha ha," you're saying.
Here is your very important lesson: You must change your thinking. You must never say, "Oh, that only costs 1.37 cents per day." You must always concentrate on the money you are saving. Every time you use a cut-in-half-Q-Tip think about how you are saving $5, or 50%!

Never spend money you earned by working. Our goal is to save save save and get that money working FOR you!

Next challenge: Come up with a free, home-made, Q-Tip substitute.

Dear Aspiring Cheapskate, I am bursting with ideas for you! I have so much to tell you about vegetables, cat grass, split peas, earthquake retrofits, transportation, home ownership, Bay Area bridges, CHOCOLATE kisses, and oh, so much more.

I know you can't wait. There is so much to come. I'm only getting started.